White noise

I am counting down the few remaining days until February. I’m in desperate need of a restart.

January has been a month of ups and downs.

One up: My brother is safely behind bars until late February when he goes to court. While there’s a chance that he’ll be released, the evidence is stacked high against him this time around. I’m praying that he’ll be kept off the streets and out of our lives for a while.

Also, one of the medical tests I underwent this month came back perfectly normal. Anything considered “normal” in the medical sphere delights me.

On to the downs.

I am still waiting for the results of my genetic testing for BRCA1, BRCA2, and a host of other potential mutations that might help to explain my two encounters with breast cancer. I find myself playing out different scenarios in my head depending on what I learn from the test. What I’ll tell my girls, and how they, and I, will move forward with new knowledge about my family’s genes.

My friend Suzanne likens my need for answers and the accompanying inability to focus intently on the projects I am undertaking during my sabbatical to “background programs,” those programs that lie open in wait behind the particular computer screen you’re using. While you can’t necessarily see the other windows, you know they’re there and will have to be closed before shutting down your PC for the day.

I like her comparison, but I’d have to add some noise–some kind of beeping or music or static that keeps those open windows front and center. White noise, just enough to prevent me from ignoring them until it’s time to turn off my brain for the night.

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